How to Have One of Those Days

1. Step into the shower. Find all the hot water has been sucked out of the heater - by aliens. Apparently they teleported it, and no one else in the house realized it. Pace for half an hour in the bathroom because it is good to not yell loudly at people you love. Talk to yourself about your attitude. A lot.

2. Start school late. Realize the list for the Curly-headed girl has not been written. Listen to her say that she finds that annoying. Talk to yourself more about your attitude.

3. Decide to dye eggs with tween girls for craft at church. The Straight-haired girl - dependable, conscientious child that she is - brings back one dozen eggs and three shreds of onion skin; all she could find. Decide to return to the store later in the afternoon to get more onion skins (see #11).

4. Immediately start to make lunch for friends who come every Wednesday for Bible study. Forget to pre-bake the quiche crusts until after all the ingredients are irrevocably inside the pans. Leave them sitting on top of the stove. Unbaked. Also forget about onion skins.

5. Drive a friend to her own home for lunch in her own van (loaned to us because ours is in imminent danger of running off the road, which is another completely crazy story in which no one was killed, maimed or otherwise injured.) Listen to children loudly sing horrible opera about Augustus Caesar on the way home, just to pass the time.

6. Return home five minutes before the first friend arrives. Throw (okay, slo-o-o-wly place) the quiche pans in the oven as it preheats. Try to simultaneously wash dishes, give a spelling test, teach a grammar lesson, keep the Huns from poking each other with pencils, and greet said friend with a smile. Sigh. Realize that it might be best to refrain from making up new recipes to serve to guests. Feed children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Cheez-its: Bad nutritional moment #1.

7. Deliver the Curly-headed girl and one Hun to homeschool gym, leaving the Straight-haired girl and the other Hun at home with long-suffering friend. Speak quickly with other moms. Realize there is absolutely no memory about a previous promise to take two extra children to swimming lessons after gym, and be grateful that nothing has been planned to prevent fulfillment of said promise. Consider having head examined. Race back home to relieve friend of duties.

8. Force two children to get busy doing the work they are trying desperately to avoid. Give up. Load them in the van to retrieve other children (plus extras) from gym. Drive directly to swimming pool. Park. Sit in van for fifteen minutes trying to gather wits. Walk into pool to realize the second Hun has been sitting on bleachers the entire time waiting. By himself. Consider vacation in Bahamas. Revisit attitude discussion with self.

9. Leave swimming with extra children in tow. Call parents of extra child and say, "No problem, I'll bring her home. I have to go out near your house to pick up my husband from work anyway." Get in van. Drive. Hear Curly-headed girl say, "Look! There goes Dad!" as he rides by on his bicycle. Deliver child to her parents and consider getting head examined yet again.

9. Get home at same time as husband. Realize that you have roughly 45 minutes to get supper on the table. Give up in despair. Eat Ramen noodles. Bad nutritional moment #2.

10. Head to church. Realize that onion skins have been completely forgotten. Send husband (also long-suffering) to store. Casually mention that if none are to be found, food coloring and vinegar would make adequate substitute. Go join small group - ten minutes late.

11. Talk to husband. Discover his executive decision to forget about onion skins and buy dye. Fill pots with water, add dye and vinegar in an attempt to skip steps and save time. Heat water.

Accidentally make 3 1/2 dozen hard boiled scrambled eggs with roughly 35 tween girls. Didn't know scrambled hard boiled eggs are all the rage? No? Apparently the same vinegar that leaches calcium from chicken bones in your science experiment will also weaken egg shells. Who knew?

12. End the day being thankful. We found the retainer. No children were lost. Nothing went terribly wrong. No major appliances broke. Not once did we visit the emergency room. No one went without good, nutritional food or clothing. Our house didn't get flattened by a tsunami. Other people have had to deal with true devastation, so I'm not trying to throw a pity party here. I just state the facts in order to give myself a reality check. Here's the lowdown...I need the comic relief.