I have been thinking lately about "finding myself." I get so frustrated sometimes at who I have become, that I start longing for the "good old days" when I could think farther than the pile of laundry on the hallway floor and what is for dinner tonight: the days when I had time to read for "enlightenment" and ponder things deeper than the meaning of that awful smell in the basement and where it is coming from.
But the more I think about who I am and what I am really made of, the more frustrated I get. How do I figure out which changes are ones I’ve made and which are merely natural consequences of my choices? How do I separate the "wife me" from the "mommy me" from the "me me?"
If I pull this thread, will the whole darn thing unravel?
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the gap between where we live our lives in the everyday and where God has placed us in eternity. This matters to me because I do not believe that my eternity is a reality that starts after I die. My eternity is a reality that started the day I was born, and if I want my life to count for something, I’d better not leave that to posterity. The life I live certainly has its wonderful moments, but they are nothing in comparison to the reality of the unseen life I am simultaneously living. Steven Curtis Chapman likens it to wading in a puddle when the whole ocean is right before him.
Maybe I should not spend my time so much in pursuit of who I am, as in pursuit of who God is. Perhaps I am "playing Gameboy in the middle of the Grand Canyon."
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